It’s difficult to imagine in today’s sinful liberal society, but when Hugh “Hef” Hefner began publishing Playboy in 1953, you could actually go to prison for publishing pictures of naked people. But Playboy‘s combination of high-quality nude photography with first-rate editorial content changed all that. Nudie pictures went from being sold secretly to being part of a respectable lifestyle. Indeed, Playboy made today’s porn-infested world possible.
Ironically, free and easy access to an infinite amount of internet porn has now made Playboy obsolete. But instead of stopping publication of Playboy like some say he should’ve done years ago, the 89-year-old Hef recently made the pointless decision to begin publishing it without pictures of naked women, effective March 2016.
Since nobody buys Playboy anymore, the news of the decision was met with an utter lack of interest. So Hef knew that he needed to do something to attract attention. He needed a Big Idea. As the wrinkley Hefner sat in his Playboy Mansion jacuzzi, surrounded in the hot bubbling water by barely legal topless blondes with fake breasts, the Big Idea suddenly popped into his head:
Caitlyn Jenner will be Playboy‘s final nude centerfold!
“After all, he wears makeup and nailpolish, so he’s a woman just like all of you,” explained Hef to the jacuzzi blondes who pretend to be his girlfriends. Knowing that all celebrities will pose for Playboy if given the chance, Hef understood that Caitlyn would accept the offer, so he immediately sent out a press release announcing the news, and scheduled the photoshoot for the next day.
Liberals everywhere rejoiced. “A man has a right to self-identify as a woman,” blogged somebody at The Huffington Post, “so he should have the right to pose as a woman in Playboy.” President Obama even took a break from bombing hospitals to praise the decision. “Don’t tell Michelle, but I can’t wait to pin up Caitlyn’s centerfold in the Oval Office!” he quipped to a nearby intern.
Hef plans to promote the special Caitlyn Jenner issue with full-page ads in the mainstream media. As a tribute to the classic “What sort of man reads Playboy?” ads of the 1960s, the new ads will be headlined “What sort of man poses for Playboy?” University professors from Women’s Studies departments will write articles addressing that question in the same special issue.
But you don’t have to wait until next March to see Caitlyn bare all. Somehow, WikiLeaks got hold of a JPEG of the Caitlyn centerfold and released it to the public the day after the photoshoot wrapped up.
Liberals who’ve seen it agree that the photograph is very tastefully done, with Caitlyn’s self-identified-ladyparts lightly airbrushed in typical Playboy fashion. “She’s definitely all woman,” declared Matt Damon, speaking on behalf of Hollywood.
However, not everyone who has seen the picture agrees. “That’s a penis,” declared an unprogressive man as he observed the centerfold and pointed directly at Caitlyn’s ladyparts. Which only goes to show what an ignorant bigot he is.