Monday, July 25, 2016 by newsparody
MIAMI—In their first official meeting Saturday as Democratic running mates, Hillary Clinton reportedly pulled aside her vice presidential pick, Virginia senator Tim Kaine, and quietly assured him that in the event of her death while in office, she would continue serving as commander-in-chief. “If something unfortunate happens to me in the next four years, I want you to know that not a single thing changes, and I will still carry out all duties of the presidency,” said Clinton, explaining that should she as president succumb to an illness or accident, all national security, economic, foreign affairs, and social policy decisions would continue to go through her as usual. “I don’t want you to worry or panic if I happen to pass away. Just know that nothing—not a degenerative illness nor the bonds of death—can prevent me from leading this country for the full duration of my term. Dying will not diminish my power, got it? Okay, glad to have you aboard.” Clinton went on to state that, while tragic, her untimely demise would bring with it a number of political advantages, as no longer needing to sleep, eat, or breathe would free up significant amounts of time for her to focus on running for reelection.
Read more at: theonion.com