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01/04/2017 / By newsparody

Exciting New App Allows Users To Be Pawns In 26-Year-Old CEO’s Little Game

SAN FRANCISCO—Having already been downloaded millions of times by consumers eager to get in on the phenomenon, an exciting new app released this week reportedly allows users to become pawns in some 26-year-old tech CEO’s little game. “Yeah, it’s really cool [how I’m being intentionally manipulated by a young Silicon Valley billionaire who considers me […]

12/08/2016 / By newsparody

City Of Chicago Working Around Clock To Clear 18 Inches Of Bullet Casings From Streets

CHICAGO—Promising that every effort would be made to limit the impact on residents’ day-to-day lives, Chicago officials announced Wednesday that a fleet of plows was working around the clock to clear more than 18 inches of fresh bullet casings that had blanketed the metropolitan area overnight. Article by TheOnion.com Sources at the city’s Department of […]

12/08/2016 / By newsparody

Reason Man Turning To Religion Later In Life Must Be Horrifying

STROUDSBURG, PA—Saying the middle-aged man had adopted a devout life of piety seemingly out of nowhere, acquaintances of local resident Paul D’Amato reported Friday that the reason he was turning to religion later in life must be completely horrifying. “He just started going to church for the very first time a couple months ago even […]

12/01/2016 / By newsparody

Why Westerners Join ISIS

Why Westerners Join ISIS

11/29/2016 / By newsparody

Poll: 78% Of Americans Hope Cataclysmic Event Wiping Out Humanity Will Have Big Tidal Wave

WASHINGTON—Saying respondents were adamant that any such phenomenon be extremely tall and move with incredible speed, a Pew Research Center poll released Monday found that 78 percent of Americans hope that whatever event ultimately wipes out humanity will feature a gigantic tidal wave. “According to our data, more than three quarters of U.S. citizens want […]

11/28/2016 / By newsparody

Cryogenically frozen Margaret Thatcher returns as ‘Maggie May’

A confidential cabinet memo released by Deloitte today sensationally claims that the first reanimation of a cryogenically-frozen human has already taken place. The memo states that when Margaret Thatcher found herself frozen out by the Tory party during the 1990s, she chose to take the freezing process a step further, ready to come back to […]

11/23/2016 / By newsparody

Area Liberal No Longer Recognizes Fanciful, Wildly Inaccurate Mental Picture Of Country He Lives In

CHICAGO—Expressing dismay and confusion over voters selecting Donald Trump as the next president of the United States, area liberal Ryan Garlock reportedly told a group of his friends Wednesday that he no longer recognizes his fanciful, wildly inaccurate mental picture of the country he lives in. “This just isn’t the America I know,” said Garlock, […]

11/17/2016 / By newsparody

Lego refuse to build Trump’s wall

Under the hashtag ‘StopFundingHate’ the Danish firm have ceased collaboration with Republicans, The Daily Mail and James Corden’s agent. Citing ethical reasons, the toy manufacturer said they would continue to make Star Wars-themed Death Stars but had declined to Donald Trump’s request for a ‘full-sized’ one. Article by Wrenfoe Despite being the nemesis of bare […]

11/16/2016 / By newsparody

Trump ‘Not Assasinated Yet’

The CIA and FBI have confirmed they are working on it. ‘Ideally we would like a mad person or terrorist so it cannot be traced to us.’ said a spokesperson, who did not wish to be named. ‘Our preference is a ‘perpetrator’ from a foreign prosperous city so we can bomb the city to smithereens […]

11/15/2016 / By newsparody

Man At Point Where Thought Of Reince Priebus Controlling White House Pretty Comforting

DENVER—Growing increasingly unsettled at the president-elect’s choice of advisors and the prospect of life under a Donald Trump administration, local resident Paul Austin told reporters Monday he was at the point where the thought of Reince Priebus controlling the White House was actually fairly comforting. “The way everything else seems to be going with Trump’s […]

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