elections
10/25/2018
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By JD Heyes
Watch the hilarious new Democrat “ad” for the mid-term elections… truth was never so funny
It’s not really an official ad for the Democrat Party, but it could be one for Republicans running for office during the midterm election cycle. The new comedic ‘ad’ produced by CRTV features a blonde female “spokesperson for the Democratic Party” explaining all of the reasons why Americans should “vote blue” next month. The spot […]
11/03/2016
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By newsparody
Nation Puts 2016 Election Into Perspective By Reminding Itself Some Species Of Sea Turtles Get Eaten By Birds Just Seconds After They Hatch
WASHINGTON—Saying they felt anxious and overwhelmed just days before heading to the polls to decide a historically fraught presidential race, Americans throughout the country reportedly took a moment Thursday to put the 2016 election into perspective by reminding themselves that some species of sea turtles are eaten by birds just seconds after they hatch. “I’ve […]
10/25/2016
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By newsparody
Teary-Eyed Tim Kaine Asks Clinton If His Hair Will Grow Back In Time For Election Day
NEW YORK—His lower lip quivering while showing his running mate the uneven patches on his head where he attempted to give himself a trim, a teary-eyed Tim Kaine reportedly asked Hillary Clinton this morning if his hair would grow back in time for Election Day. “I just wanted to look nice for TV, but I […]
10/18/2016
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By newsparody
Conspiracy Theorists THINK They’ve Discovered How Hillary Cheated at the Debate, But We Now Know the Truth, and it’s Even WORSE
A few days days have passed since the record-breaking debate between Republican presidential nominee Donald J. Trump and Democrat nominee Hillary Clinton. Article by Elliot Bucholz It was heated and intense. In front of millions of viewers, moderator Lester Holt interrupted Donald Trump 41 times when he repeatedly attempted to talk past the imposed deadline or […]
10/13/2016
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By newsparody
‘The Onion’ Is Withholding Our Endorsement For President Until Both Candidates Respond To Our Questionnaire
The American people are faced with a momentous choice in this election, one that this newspaper, with its 260-year record of reportage, believes to be among the most crucial in the history of our republic. Our nation is beset by grave threats, both at home and abroad. Our population is fractured and teeming with antagonism. […]
10/04/2016
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By newsparody
Tim Kaine Forced To Drink Ipecac After Eating Sheet Of ‘I’m With Her’ Stickers
APPLETON, WI—Acting quickly to induce vomiting, members of Hillary Clinton’s campaign staff confirmed Thursday that they forced Tim Kaine to drink syrup of ipecac after the Democratic vice presidential nominee ate an entire sheet of “I’m With Her” stickers. “We didn’t even notice Tim had gotten into the stickers until he had already swallowed at […]
10/03/2016
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By newsparody
Clinton Delivers Stump Speech In Moscow Warehouse In Effort To Appeal To Russian Hackers
MOSCOW—Emphasizing that she understood their concerns and was committed to addressing them as president, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton delivered an impassioned stump speech in an unmarked warehouse on the outskirts of Moscow Friday in an effort to appeal to Russian hackers. “Each one of you here today and all those like you around this great […]
09/29/2016
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By newsparody
Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate
CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate. “President Clinton put in a strong showing on Monday, sitting erect […]
09/27/2016
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By newsparody
Open-Minded Voter Waits Almost 5 Minutes Into Debate To Decide Who Won
NEW LONDON, CT—Giving both nominees an equal opportunity to make their case, open-minded voter Jeremy Holcomb, 36, reportedly waited almost five minutes into Monday night’s presidential debate to decide which candidate had won. “Hillary brought her A-game tonight, and it’s pretty easy to see that she scored a clear victory over Trump,” said the thoughtful […]
09/26/2016
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By newsparody
Most Common Methods Of Voter Suppression
Self-Portrait ID Laws Requiring voters to provide self-portrait identification, which disproportionately penalizes those who lack access to pastels, canvas, or easels Changing Polling Locations Many districts attempt to reduce voter turnout by relocating polling centers to the heart of the Mariana Trench Voter Purging Outright removal of eligible voters from registration lists, a tactic for […]
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