Tuesday, September 15, 2015 by newsparody
What’s better than receiving a free groping by the TSA? How about getting your breasts checked for cancer at the same time? That’s the new offering from the TSA, which says that squeezing and twisting your breasts during security pat-downs is now a “medical procedure” and that it’s all being done “to protect the health of Americans.” Men, meanwhile, will now receive a free prostate exam as part of their screening procedure.
Before administering the new procedure, TSA agents will be required to attend a weekend seminar on manual breast cancer detection techniques. While some observers complained that a single weekend was not enough training to qualify TSA agents to conduct sensitive medical procedures on passengers, TSA head John Pistole responded by explaining, “That’s true, but TSA agents aren’t really trained on security, either, and we have them playing that role just fine, too.”
Passengers going through TSA checkpoints won’t notice much of a difference in the pat-downs, given that agents are already squeezing and twisting women’s breasts. Men, however, will now be asked to cough.
In response to the new cancer screening at airport security checkpoints, the American Cancer Society praised the move, explaining this was the “free health care” promised by President Obama. “There’s no charge for this valuable cancer examination,” an ACS spokesperson said. “People wishing to receive their free screening merely need to buy an airplane ticket and line up at a security checkpoint.”
DHS head Janet Napolitano even explained that introducing the medical procedure “resolves all Fourth Amendment concerns about our security pat-downs” because by adding the breast cancer checks, pat-downs are now “medical procedures,” which are not protected under the Bill of Rights.
There’s even talk of using the TSA’s so-called “naked body scanners” as mammography imaging devices. Since TSA agents who monitor the scans are already zooming in on the naked images of women’s breasts, it only makes sense to train them to look for early signs of breast cancer at the same time. Those who are found to be carrying breast cancer could even be injected with chemotherapy “treatment” chemicals before boarding their flight.
Not everyone is happy with the new arrangement, of course. There’s always some radical, freedom-loving security hater who doesn’t go along with the benefits of Big Government. In this case, health freedom extremist Mike Adams — long suspected of being an “information terrorist” for publishing free cancer cures on NaturalNews.com — pointed out that since the TSA often misses guns, knives and other weapons in carry-on luggage, how can they be trusted to spot tiny lump tissues in breasts, especially through clothing? In response, the TSA says it is considering requiring passengers to remove their clothing in order to “enhance the accuracy of the medical screening.”
An MSNBC news poll reveals that 95 percent of Americans would gladly take off all their clothes and agree to be molested by government agents if they were told it would “make them safer.”
(This article is obviously satire. See more satire from Mike Adams at the www.CounterThink.com website.)