The University of Missouri (aka Mizzou) has been rocked by a serious outbreak of paranoid hysteria recently, with the campus police relegated to fighting the scourge of “hurtful speech” and other symptoms of acute political correctness. It all culminated with the campus invasion of Ku Klux Klan (KKK) members, who were seen roaming around school grounds by student body president Payton Head. In addition to the Klan, the ever-vigilant Payton observed some other threats, too.
Here, then, is a list of Top 10 Mizzou sightings by Payton Head:
1. The KKK
After Payton saw the white-hooded Klan members walking around campus, he took to Facebook and alerted his fellow classmates. “Students please take precaution. Stay away from the windows in residence halls. The KKK has been confirmed to be sighted on campus. I’m working with the MUPD, the state trooper and the National Guard.”
Although sightings of Bigfoot on the Mizzou campus have circulated for years, never has there been a sighting by someone as reliable as Payton Head. “At first I thought it was just my homeboy Shante, because his feet are huge. Dude wears a size 16D shoe. But turns out it was just Sasquatch.”
3. Loch Ness Monster
While chillin’ at the Mizzou Aquatic Center’s popular Tiger Grotto, Payton Head caught a brief glimpse of the Loch Ness Monster, although he could not explain how the famed sea creature got there, or how it got out.
4. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
As he was strolling around the campus quadrangle after leaving the Tiger Grotto, Payton Head saw a reindeer land on top of one of The Columns — the remains of the former Academic Hall which burned down in 1892, leaving only the six columns that stand there today. “His nose was so bright,” exclaimed Payton, not realizing that it was Rudolph. Apparently, he had somehow never heard of the Gene Autry song that made Rudolph famous, nor the animated TV show that made our favorite reindeer even more famous.
It’s no surprise that Elvis was spotted, too, considering how he got famous doing politically correct versions of Negro music. As Payton reported, “I saw a really bloated old white guy sitting on a toilet in the dorm bathroom. It was Elvis alright, I swear I knew it was him.”
6. Jimmy Hoffa
The president of the Teamsters union disappeared in 1975, no doubt murdered by the mafia, and has not been seen ever since — until now. Payton saw Hoffa wandering out of the football fieldhouse the day President Wolfe resigned. It was the football team’s threatened strike which prompted Wolfe to step down, which probably explains Hoffa’s presence there.
7. Thomas Jefferson
Payton Head also saw Thomas Jefferson at the campus statue of America’s third president himself. TJ was reading all the Post-It notes that PC students had stuck on the statue, accusing the Declaration of Independence author of being a “racist,” “misogynist,” “slave owner” and “rapist.”
8. Jade Helm
“I went out to the football stadium to smoke a blunt,” said Payton Head, in an email to this writer. “And out there, on the field, were a bunch of troops doing that Jade Helm shit, just like they did in Texas.” [Editor’s note: The stadium groundskeeper claims that the troops were actually just a family of groundhogs.]
After getting baked at the Jade Helm/groundhog exercise, Payton Head stumbled back to his dorm, where he spied several Bilderberg members having a secret meeting in the lobby.
10. Alex Jones
Payton Head knew the people in the dorm lobby were Bilderbergers, because Alex Jones was standing outside the dorm yelling about it through a megaphone.