Recently, alternative media icon Matt Drudge turned his muckraking powers to the question of whether or not Hillary wears a wig. According to People magazine, “Drudge sent a series of five tweets on his account… each with a different photo zoomed in on Clinton’s hair, accompanied by captions.”
And you thought serious journalism was dead.
It all started when Donald Trump, whose Gene Wilderesque combover has long been the butt of jokes, accused Hillary of wearing a wig after she got a new hairdo — because he loves irony almost as much as his mirror.
Hillary‘s hairdresser immediately denied the charges, and when Drudge’s photo-zooms proved to be inconclusive, most Americans forgot about it and became interested in even less important things.
But not Hillary. Set on revenge, she turned to her daughter Chelsea, who just happens to be Ivanka Trump’s BFF. One night, while having a pillow fight, Ivanka confessed to Chelsea that Donald’s hair is indeed a wig!
Nobody heretofore believed it was actually a wig, because there seemed to be no reason for a person to wear a wig that resembles a small animal. But that, it turns out, just goes to show what a genius The Donald truly is.
The wig, you see, has magical powers. Without it, he is just another billionaire. But with that gingery pelt applied strategically to his skull, he becomes The Donald. Kind of like how Hercules and NFL players get magical powers from their long, flowing locks.
However, since relying on a magical wig is a sure sign of being a loser, he needed to wear his magical wig covertly, and one day, it occurred to him to make the wig so stupid-looking that nobody would suspect that it’s actually a wig. Which explains its legendary appearance.
The wig works its magic in two basic ways. First of all, it always makes him a winner, and his opponents, always losers. Secondly, it gives him the ability to convince nothing-in-their-bank-account people to believe they have more in common with him than with each other. Take the case of Bobby Buffington, a McDonalds burger-flipper with a serious man-crush on The Donald. When I asked Bobby why he would vote for Trump, he curtly snapped, “He’s a billionaire — are you?”
Hillary, upon finding out about the magical wig from Chelsea, immediately hatched a plan to steal it, reasoning that if it makes Trump a winner and a hero to the masses, it can do the same for her.
Tapping into her endless supply of corrupt political and criminal cronies, she organized a team of Watergate-style burglars, in honor of her first political idol, Richard M. Nixon. After all, her love of Tricky Dick is what got her started in politics in the first place, leading to her election as president of the Young Republicans at Wellesley College, and ultimately becoming a Goldwater Girl, campaigning for arch-conservative Barry Goldwater’s humiliating bid for president in 1964.
The “Arkansas Plumbers,” as Hillary code-named her burglars, broke into the luxurious Upper East Side penthouse that Trump rents especially for his wig. The hairpiece wasn’t difficult to find, as it was resting atop a solid gold pedestal in the master bedroom, surrounded by about a dozen oil paintings of itself, each hanging on the wall in (you guessed it) solid gold frames.
The Arkansas Plumbers snatched the wig and brought it to a secret location in Langley, Virginia, where it was promptly cloned. After the doppelganger toupee was created, the original Trump hairpiece was infected with illegal immigrant cooties, returned to its penthouse pedestal, and was thereafter seen daily on The Donald’s head, where the undocumented Mexican microbes weakened its magic powers by the minute.
Naturally, when this reporter learned this information, it was hastily reported to Gary Busey, who relayed the news to Mr. Trump, who immediately deported the invaders from his fake mane and announced that he would begin building an impenetrable wall around his cranial perimeter to keep any of them from coming back. “You won’t believe the wig wall I’m constructing,” he declared. “It’s uuuuuge!” Engineers who’ve seen the blueprints confirm that the wall will be able to withstand anything with the possible exception Ronald Reagan, who famously brought down the Berlin Wall simply by commanding it to fall. Fortunately, Reagan is deader than democracy. So, The Donald’s hair sovereignty appears to be forever secure.
As for Hillary’s new magical doppelganger wig, she has yet to wear it openly in public, but the paparazzi department at NewsParody.com did manage to get the exclusive photo shown above.
Whether or not it will propel her or The Donald into the White House, only time will tell.